How To: Transfer an Embroidery Design on Black Fabric

We have a new DIY kit available in the shop just in time for Valentine’s day!

finished hell of a universe

This quote (from an e.e. cummings poem) pretty much sums up what I think love and life are all about. Sure, there are chores to do, livings to make, kids to raise, but also: anything is possible, the universe is yours, and every day is a great day to explore, create, explode boundaries, and squeeze the ones you love.

Here’s a quick tutorial on how to transfer your design onto black fabric!

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1. Assemble your materials. You’ll need your transfer paper, the design you want to trace, your dark colored fabric, and a sharp thing, like a pen.

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2. Place your transfer paper color (in this case, yellow) side down onto your fabric where you want the design to go. Place your design on top of it (not shown).

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3. Push down hard and trace the outline of your design. This will transfer the lines you draw onto your fabric. The resulting lines with be light but visible, and should be completely covered by your embroidery, so you won’t need to wash it out at the end (but you can if you need to!)

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4. Stitch away! For this piece, I stitched each letter in a different color (but you can do it all in the same color, or change the color with each word, or go black on black because you’re a witch- whatever you want.)

hell of a close up

I made this tutorial video for those of you that need help getting started sewing.

 

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Nursery Decor: It’s All Lies

Back when I was still figuring out what kind of nursery I wanted to create for my first baby (you know, a perfect one that represents every aspiration I’ve ever held for my child in furniture form), I did a lot of Pinteresting. Pinterest is great, but also I hope you are a billionaire who is obsessed with baby grey, yellow, and chevron because that is what you will find there.

There is also a lot of word art. Kyle and I decided to go ahead and make our own art for her walls, because we (I) wanted her to stare at Carl Sagan quotes all night long and then grow up to be a badass woman scientist and win a Nobel prize.

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But mostly what you see on Pinterest are the same 5 quotes, which really are very cute, but also pretty saccharin and hopeful and so now I’m going to make fun of them. Because what if instead of putting our hopes and dreams onto their nursery walls, we actually told the truth?

little but fierce

Yes, my daughter is both little, and fierce. But little is relative. And fierce mostly when screaming for things all day long.

shit in pants

move bowels

Just once I would like to see the word “bowels” gold-leafed.

dream big

My next kid is getting these. (Unless it works, and Lu becomes a tiny science scholar, in which case my next kid is getting a math room with chalkboard-theorem walls like that high-five montage scene in Good Will Hunting).

The Goosecamp Adult Coloring Book for New Parents

Apparently, an “adult coloring book” is a collection of very detailed drawings with mature themes, such as flowers or Christianity.

I made my own adult coloring book, which is for new parents. These drawings are meant to relax you, as you color in teeny tiny dots with a marker the dog just tried to eat and get nauseated by your own smell, which is a combination of baby vomit and old poop.

Enjoy.

Drawing 1: You’re Late And You Finally Got Your Baby in the Car Seat and She Used That Moment to Blow Out Her Diaper

 

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Drawing 2: Old Lady in the Grocery Store Parking Lot Yells At You Because It’s 60 Degrees And Your Baby Is Not Wearing Socks To Walk The 100 Feet Between The Store Entrance And The Car And Is Therefore Doomed 

LADY YELLING ADVICE

 

Drawing 3: You Turned Around For One Second And Now Your Baby Has Just Eaten Driveway Gravel

GRAVEL EATING

 

Drawing 4: Your Baby Is Allergic To Pants, Particularly In Public, And Everybody Is Judging You Because Please Put Pants On Your Baby

HATES PANTS

Psst! The coloring book is REAL and available HERE: http://glamcamp.co/collections/for-you/products/a-coloring-book-for-parents

Home Decor Tips and Tricks for the New Mom

One cannot overstate the importance of having a clean, safe, beautiful environment for one’s baby. The new mother’s home must be filled with light, laughter, and a bunch of those inspirational art prints about how life is good in flip flops and families are like fudge, mostly sweet with a lot of nuts.

Here are a few tips I’ve learned about maintaining a gorgeous home. Remember, if your house is messy, it’s because you’re lazy. You should probably stop taking so much time for yourself.

1. Maintain a hygienic eating area

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This is of the utmost importance. Your baby cannot have certain foods at certain times, so you must control their eating environment to ensure nothing is cross-contaminated. Your baby cannot have peanut butter either before one year or four months or seven months. Your baby should start with purees or chunks of whole, steamed food if you are eating them also. Your baby should not have grains, but pulverized rice is a great first meal for your baby. Your baby will love the first food of mashed banana! But your baby should not eat banana because it may cause constipation. Your baby should not have whole milk before age 1 but should have whole milk at 9 months.

Bonus Tip: Do not let your baby lick the dog hair off their own feet or eat puffs off the floor that might be there from yesterday. Or the day before that.

2. Organize, organize, organize

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Organization is the key to efficiency! Place all baby bath items in a secure, organic, all natural, grass-fed, local, secure area. They should be organized alphabetically, by number of stores you had to search to find that product you saw on Jessica Alba’s Instagram last night at 3am when you decided you were a horrible mother.

3. Maintain a beautiful sanctuary for love-making

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Because you’ll want to keep your partner satisfied immediately after the birth of your child, be sure to cultivate a sexy area in your home. This area should not scream, “Get the FUCK away from my boobs,” or “I AM SLEEPING WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.”

Bonus tip: You should probably also wear a thong after, or during, birth. For sex appeal.

4. Fill your home with inspiring, seasonal decor

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Teach your baby to count with tiny autumnal gourds, which you will dispose of before they are rotting and overtaken by horrific mold. Buy and decorate a beautiful Christmas tree, and then don’t leave it up until March.

Bonus tip: In your bountiful free time, try your hand at some DIY! Use Pinterest to find inspiration for unique nursery decor.

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Happy house-cleaning!

The Best Baby and Toddler Toys 2015 Are Actually Your Garbage

It’s that time of year, people; time to dump the meager contents of your wallets out at the nearest Target.

Your baby needs that brightly colored stuffed puppy with a dangle mirror and plastic chew ring attached at the ear, for her development. The mirror will teach your baby how to track images, crucial for future spy quests, and become attached emotionally to their own image, a natural precursor for your baby’s first selfie stick. The chew ring soothes aching gums, the byproduct of teething, and is made from organic, BPA-free, antibiotic and hormone free plastic that was melted down from the covers of Harvard graduate Physics textbooks (eco-friendly, 100% recycled). The puppy itself is handmade by The Coalition of Moms Better Than You For a Brighter Tomorrow, who want you to know that their children do not even know what a television is. Suggested retail is $249, but 5% of each sale goes directly to poor children in need of organic blueberries.

the patron saint of capitalism

the patron saint of capitalism

To save you the trouble of ruining your kids’ lives by buying the wrong thing, my team of highly trained bullshit analysts has tested all of this years hottest toys. Here are their findings:

1. Empty Water Bottle

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Empty water bottle is composed of several different types of plastic, and also occasionally paper. The label component contains several words, which will help familiarize your baby with language and the alphabet, essential for any budding linguist. The bottle’s ridged shape provides ample texture for tender mouths to explore. It’s small size makes it perfect for grasping, and will teach your future NBA star how to palm a basketball before their second birthday.

2. Deck of Cards in Empty Gelato Container

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This toy comes in two components, and must be assembled at home (this is an easy DIY- much less frustrating than 97% of all Pinterest projects, according to focus groups). Begin assembly by consuming an entire container of expensive gelato late at night in your sweatsuit, careful not to let any of it drip off your chin and onto the leaflet titled “Why You’re Doing it Wrong” that your pediatrician gave you. Wash empty container, fill with Deck of Cards, and screw on cap.

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The sound this toy makes when shaken will delight your child’s auditory pathways, giving them an early start on a lengthy and profitable career in music that you will micromanage. Prepare to weep tears of joy at their mesmerizing, critically acclaimed 2045 performance in the off- off- broadway hit, “Fuck You, Mom.”

3. Shoe That Doesn’t Fit Tied to Ribbon

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Shoe That Doesn’t Fit Tied to Ribbon was made by blind refugee orphans in a distant galaxy torn apart by apocalyptic hellfire. Proceeds from each purchase go towards donating gluten-free, 48-seed bread, California almonds, and syphilis-free water in Starbucks red cups to alien children in need of intergalactic school supplies. Don’t wait; call now.

4. Empty Box

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This delightful product is available in various shapes, sizes, and colors. Sign up on the company website to receive a monthly shipment of Empty Boxes via subscription, to keep your child entertained all year long.

Your child will learn about multiple shapes, materials, and textures. By holding this toy, they develop the neural pathways associated with the sensory phenomena of touch. Rotating this item in space displays a 3-dimensionality, which will trigger future dreams of an Ivy League degree in Engineering. Your child is destined to excel at model building, and may become a very famous architect.

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the crucial developmental phenomena of “play”

Give the gift of not ruining lives by getting the wrong thing this holiday season. Buying any unsuitable present could result in developmental delays, longterm substance abuse issues, type II diabetes, or hoarding.

Happy Holidays!