The Goosecamp Adult Coloring Book for New Parents

Apparently, an “adult coloring book” is a collection of very detailed drawings with mature themes, such as flowers or Christianity.

I made my own adult coloring book, which is for new parents. These drawings are meant to relax you, as you color in teeny tiny dots with a marker the dog just tried to eat and get nauseated by your own smell, which is a combination of baby vomit and old poop.

Enjoy.

Drawing 1: You’re Late And You Finally Got Your Baby in the Car Seat and She Used That Moment to Blow Out Her Diaper

 

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Drawing 2: Old Lady in the Grocery Store Parking Lot Yells At You Because It’s 60 Degrees And Your Baby Is Not Wearing Socks To Walk The 100 Feet Between The Store Entrance And The Car And Is Therefore Doomed 

LADY YELLING ADVICE

 

Drawing 3: You Turned Around For One Second And Now Your Baby Has Just Eaten Driveway Gravel

GRAVEL EATING

 

Drawing 4: Your Baby Is Allergic To Pants, Particularly In Public, And Everybody Is Judging You Because Please Put Pants On Your Baby

HATES PANTS

Psst! The coloring book is REAL and available HERE: http://glamcamp.co/collections/for-you/products/a-coloring-book-for-parents

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Home Decor Tips and Tricks for the New Mom

One cannot overstate the importance of having a clean, safe, beautiful environment for one’s baby. The new mother’s home must be filled with light, laughter, and a bunch of those inspirational art prints about how life is good in flip flops and families are like fudge, mostly sweet with a lot of nuts.

Here are a few tips I’ve learned about maintaining a gorgeous home. Remember, if your house is messy, it’s because you’re lazy. You should probably stop taking so much time for yourself.

1. Maintain a hygienic eating area

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This is of the utmost importance. Your baby cannot have certain foods at certain times, so you must control their eating environment to ensure nothing is cross-contaminated. Your baby cannot have peanut butter either before one year or four months or seven months. Your baby should start with purees or chunks of whole, steamed food if you are eating them also. Your baby should not have grains, but pulverized rice is a great first meal for your baby. Your baby will love the first food of mashed banana! But your baby should not eat banana because it may cause constipation. Your baby should not have whole milk before age 1 but should have whole milk at 9 months.

Bonus Tip: Do not let your baby lick the dog hair off their own feet or eat puffs off the floor that might be there from yesterday. Or the day before that.

2. Organize, organize, organize

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Organization is the key to efficiency! Place all baby bath items in a secure, organic, all natural, grass-fed, local, secure area. They should be organized alphabetically, by number of stores you had to search to find that product you saw on Jessica Alba’s Instagram last night at 3am when you decided you were a horrible mother.

3. Maintain a beautiful sanctuary for love-making

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Because you’ll want to keep your partner satisfied immediately after the birth of your child, be sure to cultivate a sexy area in your home. This area should not scream, “Get the FUCK away from my boobs,” or “I AM SLEEPING WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.”

Bonus tip: You should probably also wear a thong after, or during, birth. For sex appeal.

4. Fill your home with inspiring, seasonal decor

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Teach your baby to count with tiny autumnal gourds, which you will dispose of before they are rotting and overtaken by horrific mold. Buy and decorate a beautiful Christmas tree, and then don’t leave it up until March.

Bonus tip: In your bountiful free time, try your hand at some DIY! Use Pinterest to find inspiration for unique nursery decor.

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Happy house-cleaning!

How To: Embroider a Celebrity Portrait

Is this cheating? Because I basically already wrote this post when I shared how to create Australopithecus fan art for your unborn. The only real difference is that today I stitched a moody portrait of Tom Waits instead of an extinct genus of hominid.

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Here’s how to make your own:

1. Draw a picture of whoever you want to stitch:

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2. Tape the drawing onto your material. I usually stitch on felt, but any fabric will do.

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3. Prick an inky pen through the lines of the drawing, to create dots on the felt (which you’ll later connect with embroidery floss).

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4. Remove the drawing. Thread your weird big needle with embroidery floss (here’s a cool video on how to do that).One strand of embroidery floss is composed of six little threads. I separate one long piece into two long pieces with three threads each, because the thread gets doubled-over and you don’t want it to be too thick.

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5. Start stitching. You’re basically just connecting the dots.

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You’ll need to tie off your thread when it gets low and re-up your needle a few times to get everything sewn.

6. That’s it! Add some freehand text if you want, like this quote which I don’t think is actually accurate? Close enough.

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7. Frame your masterpiece and reward yourself with two pieces of sourdough toast with butter and strawberry jam, like I did.

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I made this little guy for my favorite person’s husband, who is graduating from business school tomorrow (his favorite musician is Tom Waits). Is there any gift nicer than a janky, homemade craft? I don’t think so.

If you’re not up to making one of your own, I’ll stitch your favorite celebrity, frame it, and mail it to you for two twenty dollar bills. Email me at eringoosecamp at gmail and we’ll talk.

15 minute DIY: Felt Leaves on a Stick

In keeping with the “things on a stick” crafts I’ve been doing lately, here are some little felt leaves glued to a stick:

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I love the effect: nature meets cartoon. This little branch will be part of the nursery, along with my other stick DIYs.

To make your own, you’ll need a stick, a piece of felt or two ($.39 a sheet at Michael’s; I used yellow and green), and your trusty hot glue gun.

First, cut little leaf shapes out of felt. I cut the felt into strips, the strips into rectangles, and the rectangles into leaves.

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Next, hot glue the leaves onto a stick.

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That’s it. Once glued on, you can manipulate the felt leaves a little so the shapes feel more leaf-like (curl the ends slightly with your fingers). Other than that, you’re done. Put the stick in a little vase somewhere and take a million pictures for Instagram. Revel in your craftiness. You really deserve Ben and Jerry’s.

5 Minute DIY: PomPoms on a Stick

Honestly, I feel a little bit like I’m insulting your intelligence by calling this a DIY. This is gluing pompoms on a stick that I found this morning in the backyard. I can’t even lay claim to the idea of gluing pompoms on a stick; I saw it on Pinterest. That being said, I encourage you to follow suit. it takes 5 minutes and is pretty cute, no?

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Plus, take 5 minutes in the morning to make something, and all day long you’ll have that artistic and accomplished “I glued pompoms on a stick when I could have been trolling Facebook” glow.

To glue your own pompoms on a stick you’ll need (brace yourself): pompoms, a stick, a glue gun, and 5 minutes.

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Three sticks are shown in the photo above (for the ultra ambitious crafter only).

Heat up your glue gun, and then start gluing pompoms to a stick:

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Rotate the stick as you go to get the pompoms stuck to all sides. Or not.

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Keep gluing until it looks like a trip to Michael’s vomited all over nature.

Put the stick in a vase or hang on the wall with a couple of pieces of string and thumbtacks.

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Ours will hang somewhere over the changing table on our frame wall (which is not up yet, obviously) to add a little shape and texture.

I can’t wait to post the full nursery tour once it’s all done! Getting close… In the meantime, have any ideas about what else I can hot-glue pompoms on?