Angry and bald

I rode the subway to work this morning, 13 stops. It’s Saturday. A man got on my car, screaming about how big his dick was. He kept saying “fuck all of you. My balls are king kong’s balls. I’ll kill every one of you. I’m going to fucking kill you.” At the next stop, I switched cars. At the next stop, so did he. He kept screaming. He kept threatening me and the other passengers with physical and sexual violence. I changed cars again. So did he. I ran multiple cars away. The train tried to leave without me. I jammed my arm in the door and waited seconds for the conductor to open the doors. I rode a few more stops without the man. When I got off at my stop, I looked behind me every five steps, hoping he wasn’t following me.

Part of being a woman is being threatened. We are not surprised by threat. I am not surprised when someone threatens to rape me in public, the same way I’m not surprised when I walk by a man in the street and he looks me up and down and imagines me naked, prone, at his mercy.

I dated older men when I was young. Pedophiles. I thought they liked me for my personality. Maybe that’s true; maybe the innocence everywhere was compelling. One was 45 to my 19. He told quoted Keats to me, “beauty is truth.” That meant “I only date models.” I was thin because I subsisted on Coors Light, cigarettes, and buttered bagels. I was a nervous wreck, a full-blown alcoholic, a timid, natty animal, thirsty for anything. He tried to convince me to quit my retail job where I made $9.25 an hour and become a cocktail waitress at a club in the meatpacking district. He brought me to an expensive restaurant with another friend, a short Indian man who owned an airline, a millionaire. He looked at me skeptically when I inhaled the entire bread basket. I was hungry, and he wasn’t used to seeing women eat.

This is the year for women and feminism. It’s really easy to buy a T shirt now, announcing your activism. We elected a rapist to the presidency of the United States.

I’ve been hiding from news and social media for a year. The daily anxieties are crippling. A woman is raped every 4 or 5 seconds. The fact of Harvey Weinstein. The fact of Bill Cosby. Matt Damon opening his mouth.

Opening Instagram is a bitter pill. Women with 40,000 followers hocking diet shakes for flat bellies. People curating their lives with zeal and vigor. Impossibly happy, cooking things from scratch, going on vacation, loving their husbands or boyfriends without resentment. Women getting pregnant. Kardashians. Artists more successful than you. Everyone is doing so well. Otherwise it’s something about wine, which is called “mommy juice.” Another hilarious take on the daily urgency for global novocaine.

I heard a man tell a rape joke in an alcoholic recovery meeting once. I heard another white man talk about how, at his lowest moment, he was indistinguishable from a black man. There is no such thing as a safe space.

We are all implicit in the American Disaster. The idea that this country was built on the premise of freedom is a decrepit, insulting lie. It was built on the oppression, slaughter and rape of anyone who was not white or, to a lesser degree, male.

We congratulated ourselves when we elected Obama. Then we chose Donald Trump over a woman. My Apple news app shifts from Trump’s latest tweet, the threat of impending nuclear war, to a tantalizing teaser of a headline- do I want to know how Chrissy Teigen looks, newly pregnant AND in a bikini? This is our world. We all might burn to hell today, Dante’s blazing inferno, but Donald has a longer, fatter dick than Kim Jong-un, which could better satisfy a woman. And just in case today is not the day an atom bomb floats like a feather into the heart of Times Square, try to make more recipes your husband enjoys. Try not to get fat while you’re pregnant.

The guy on the train this morning won’t stop me from taking the train again tomorrow. I will get up and go to work. I’ll try not to think about the man who showed me his gun five years ago, or the one who, twenty years ago, showed me his Donald Trump.

I shaved my head when I got home tonight. My husband took a picture and said, “you look angry.”

I am angry. Angry and bald.




Presidential primary season, which lasts so long it’s actually like 5 seasons, is one of my very favorite times. This season has been especially exciting; it’s not every year you get 17 potential nominees on the Republican ticket or a guy like Bernie Sanders pushing the Democratic party left. I love this shit.

But every day it’s becoming more drop dead serious and less fun. The rhetoric on both sides has become increasingly divisive, dismissive, abusive, and scary. And no one is suffering from these dialogues right now more than women.

Part I

I was listening to NPR while driving home from Lucy’s daycare drop off this morning. Morning Editions’ guest was Marjorie Dannenfelser, the president of a pro-life organization called the Susan B. Anthony list. She astonished me by using feminist rhetoric, quotes, and examples to discuss why the pro-life community believes that women should be forced to carry unwanted pregnancies to term.

She claimed early feminists thought the “soul” of a baby and mother were inextricably linked, and so modern feminists should, too. She had to go back 150 years to find an example of a progressive that NPR listeners could hopefully relate to. We’ve done some research, we’ve made some progress since then. If I wanted to back up a social and medical position I hold, I sure as shit wouldn’t cite research done in the 1800’s to back up my point.

She also defended Donald Trump’s revision of his statement two days ago that women who get abortions should be punished, and instead agreed that the doctors who provide abortions should be jailed.

I’ve always been angered by the pro-life movement, but listening to this woman on the radio felt devastating. She spent the largest portion of her on-air time pleading that women who do not want to have babies, who want abortions, should be helped by those in the pro-life movement, to the extent that this makes them want to have their babies.

Using my first pregnancy as a benchmark for the experience, here are my questions for Marjorie Dannenfelser:

How will you help me through my first trimester, when I feel sick to my stomach for 3 straight months, but still need to work full time and take care of my one year old daughter? How will you prevent me from feeling wretched, pukey, like I need to lie down all the time? How will you help me meet my deadlines at work? How will you help me run around after my daughter when I’m completely exhausted? How will you help me afford any medications I need?

How will you help me in my second trimester, when my clothes no longer fit? Will you buy me new ones? Will you help me to afford healthy food? Will you pick up my 30 pound toddler for me when I no longer can? She likes to be carried. 

How will you help me through my 65 pound weight gain? My paralyzing back pain? My insomnia? How will you help with my anxiety? Will you pay for my hospital bills? Will you pay for my c-section? Will you go through 50 hours of labor for me? Will you go through awake surgery for me? Will you help me through the trauma of birth? Will you take my baby away after birth and give it to someone else since I didn’t want it? Will you help me feel whole again? Will you pay for my therapy after birth? For my Lexapro when I suffer depression after birth? Will you pay for my birth control so I don’t get pregnant again?

This is a woman whose party thinks that food assistance and subsidized health insurance are hand-outs that should not be supported. So please, how the fuck will you help me?

Claiming that it is a feminist act to force a woman who does not want a child to go through pregnancy and birth is fucking sick.

Part 2

I want to address this even though I know it’s not a popular opinion for young Democrats, who are largely with Sanders.

Yes, you can be a feminist and vote for Sanders, fine. But you can’t say that you look at both candidates equally and decide based on positions and personality, and not on gender. It is not possible to do this. Because all media coverage is not created equal. 

What you know about your preferred candidate, you know from media coverage. The coverage you consume is hugely biased. Research shows that women running for political office are not discussed the same way their male counterparts are.

For example, Bystrom and her coauthors found in newspaper coverage of 2002 mixed-gender gubernatorial and senatorial races that 8% of news stories about female candidates mentioned the candidate’s marital status compared with only 1% of men’s news stories, and that 6% of women’s news stories in that year mentioned appearance compared with only 1% of the men’s stories. Bystrom and her colleagues also found disparities in the extent to which reporters call attention to the gender of women candidates, but not of men candidates. Qualitative examples of gendered media coverage abound. For example, Carol Moseley-Braun, the only African American woman to ever serve in the U.S. Senate, who sought the 2004 Democratic presidential nomination, was once described by The Chicago Tribune as a “den mother with a cheerleader’s smile.”

When men run for political office, we just don’t talk about this kind of thing. I don’t hear anyone saying that Ted Cruz or Bernie Sanders will be a good or bad president because they’re a certain kind of Dad. No one gives a shit that Bernie Sanders divorced his first wife, nor should they, but it doesn’t go both ways.

Most notably, media coverage of Hillary Clinton in 2008—and especially cable news coverage—was filled with sexist remarks, from Glenn Beck describing Clinton as a “stereotypical bitch” to Tucker Carlson stating, “When she [Hillary Clinton] comes on television, I involuntarily cross my legs.”

There were also instances of sexism faced by Clinton on the campaign trail that the media did not regard as newsworthy: Susan J. Carroll observes, “Sexism and sexist remarks by journalists and on-air pundits were treated as acceptable—a normal part of political discourse.” Although they are from different parties and brought quite different backgrounds to the 2008 presidential election, both Clinton and Sarah Palin were portrayed in sexist ways and faced the same gender stereotypes.Women are grossly underrepresented at every level of political office in the country.

These are examples from the right, but they infiltrate. I’ve spoken to many young Democrats for Sanders who think Clinton is shrewd, unlikeable, untrustworthy, pandering. Why are these the words that are used to describe her?

Read this paper. Here’s an excerpt:

Before Hillary Clinton’s bid for the Democratic nomination, Elizabeth Dole was the first serious female candidate for a major party presidential nomination. Research on her campaign showed that voters were more likely to learn about her appearance or character than her issue positions, and many stories were negative (Aday & Devitt, 2001). Her role as Bob Dole’s wife was mentioned in a significant number of stories and was usually mentioned in the first third of the story. Overall references to her family outpaced those for her opponents (Heldman et al., 2005). Dole was not alone in being portrayed stereotypically. In 1984 Geraldine Ferraro, the first woman on a major party ticket, ‘‘was described as ‘feisty’ and ‘pushy but not threatening,’ and was asked if she knew how to bake blueberry muffins… . When she stood before the Democratic National Convention in San Francisco, anchor Tom Brokaw announced: ‘Geraldine Ferraro … The first woman to be nominated for vice president… Size 6!’’ (Baird et al., 2008, p. 1).

To Bernie fans: of course you do not have to vote for Hillary because she has a uterus (as Killer Mike helpfully pointed out). But be aware that you’re not making your decision based on “the facts,” when “the facts” are fluid. There are no “facts.”

Women have a long history of being told to pipe down, to look hot, to speak softly, to smile, to put out, to nurture, to not be so emotional. Hillary Clinton is a strong, smart, powerful, competent woman. She speaks up. She interrupts. She doesn’t apologize for things that she shouldn’t, like being paid to give speeches, which was her job, even though she is expected to.

Whether you want to admit it or not, these engrained biases will affect how many people vote.

I’m voting for Hillary Clinton because THIS MATTERS. I agree with many of Sanders’ positions. I would love to see universal health coverage and affordable college tuition. I would love to see a marked change in the devastating growth of income inequality. Lucky for me, Hillary Clinton agrees on these issues; she always has. People just don’t believe her.

There’s an old trope, a thing I heard growing up that we tell our kids: you can be anything you want to be when you grow up. How can I tell my daughter this? How can I tell her she can be an engineer, when only 18% of those holding bachelor degrees in engineering are female? Can she be one of the 17% of mathematicians in the United States who are female? Can she be one of the 0% of U.S. Presidents who has ever been female?

Vote for whichever candidate you want, but don’t tell me it’s not about gender, or that gender isn’t an important factor in this race.