How To: Transfer an Embroidery Design on Black Fabric

We have a new DIY kit available in the shop just in time for Valentine’s day!

finished hell of a universe

This quote (from an e.e. cummings poem) pretty much sums up what I think love and life are all about. Sure, there are chores to do, livings to make, kids to raise, but also: anything is possible, the universe is yours, and every day is a great day to explore, create, explode boundaries, and squeeze the ones you love.

Here’s a quick tutorial on how to transfer your design onto black fabric!

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1. Assemble your materials. You’ll need your transfer paper, the design you want to trace, your dark colored fabric, and a sharp thing, like a pen.

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2. Place your transfer paper color (in this case, yellow) side down onto your fabric where you want the design to go. Place your design on top of it (not shown).

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3. Push down hard and trace the outline of your design. This will transfer the lines you draw onto your fabric. The resulting lines with be light but visible, and should be completely covered by your embroidery, so you won’t need to wash it out at the end (but you can if you need to!)

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4. Stitch away! For this piece, I stitched each letter in a different color (but you can do it all in the same color, or change the color with each word, or go black on black because you’re a witch- whatever you want.)

hell of a close up

I made this tutorial video for those of you that need help getting started sewing.

 

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The Best Baby and Toddler Toys 2015 Are Actually Your Garbage

It’s that time of year, people; time to dump the meager contents of your wallets out at the nearest Target.

Your baby needs that brightly colored stuffed puppy with a dangle mirror and plastic chew ring attached at the ear, for her development. The mirror will teach your baby how to track images, crucial for future spy quests, and become attached emotionally to their own image, a natural precursor for your baby’s first selfie stick. The chew ring soothes aching gums, the byproduct of teething, and is made from organic, BPA-free, antibiotic and hormone free plastic that was melted down from the covers of Harvard graduate Physics textbooks (eco-friendly, 100% recycled). The puppy itself is handmade by The Coalition of Moms Better Than You For a Brighter Tomorrow, who want you to know that their children do not even know what a television is. Suggested retail is $249, but 5% of each sale goes directly to poor children in need of organic blueberries.

the patron saint of capitalism

the patron saint of capitalism

To save you the trouble of ruining your kids’ lives by buying the wrong thing, my team of highly trained bullshit analysts has tested all of this years hottest toys. Here are their findings:

1. Empty Water Bottle

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Empty water bottle is composed of several different types of plastic, and also occasionally paper. The label component contains several words, which will help familiarize your baby with language and the alphabet, essential for any budding linguist. The bottle’s ridged shape provides ample texture for tender mouths to explore. It’s small size makes it perfect for grasping, and will teach your future NBA star how to palm a basketball before their second birthday.

2. Deck of Cards in Empty Gelato Container

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This toy comes in two components, and must be assembled at home (this is an easy DIY- much less frustrating than 97% of all Pinterest projects, according to focus groups). Begin assembly by consuming an entire container of expensive gelato late at night in your sweatsuit, careful not to let any of it drip off your chin and onto the leaflet titled “Why You’re Doing it Wrong” that your pediatrician gave you. Wash empty container, fill with Deck of Cards, and screw on cap.

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The sound this toy makes when shaken will delight your child’s auditory pathways, giving them an early start on a lengthy and profitable career in music that you will micromanage. Prepare to weep tears of joy at their mesmerizing, critically acclaimed 2045 performance in the off- off- broadway hit, “Fuck You, Mom.”

3. Shoe That Doesn’t Fit Tied to Ribbon

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Shoe That Doesn’t Fit Tied to Ribbon was made by blind refugee orphans in a distant galaxy torn apart by apocalyptic hellfire. Proceeds from each purchase go towards donating gluten-free, 48-seed bread, California almonds, and syphilis-free water in Starbucks red cups to alien children in need of intergalactic school supplies. Don’t wait; call now.

4. Empty Box

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This delightful product is available in various shapes, sizes, and colors. Sign up on the company website to receive a monthly shipment of Empty Boxes via subscription, to keep your child entertained all year long.

Your child will learn about multiple shapes, materials, and textures. By holding this toy, they develop the neural pathways associated with the sensory phenomena of touch. Rotating this item in space displays a 3-dimensionality, which will trigger future dreams of an Ivy League degree in Engineering. Your child is destined to excel at model building, and may become a very famous architect.

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the crucial developmental phenomena of “play”

Give the gift of not ruining lives by getting the wrong thing this holiday season. Buying any unsuitable present could result in developmental delays, longterm substance abuse issues, type II diabetes, or hoarding.

Happy Holidays!