Christmas Haul

I am not religious, but there is one day a year when I’ll gladly toss my lack of love for idols aside and participate in various traditional trappings: Christmas. (Actually, I take that back. The figures I love with spiritual fervor are Patti Smith, Rachel Maddow, and everyone on The Great British Baking Show, including Jordan’s teeth).

A thing that kids do now (and by “now” I mean like, 2010) that makes me wince with the pain of a million capitalisms is make “haul videos,” which are apparently very popular. In them, kids lay out how much stuff they’ve accumulated for whatever holiday from their duped parents. They take you on a tour of each item, and how great it is, and how entitled they are to it.

Don’t kids these days know that you’re supposed to be a little less obvious about how wretched and spoiled you are?

Apparently not.

If there’s anything I love, it’s being an asshole. And with that, here’s my Christmas haul.

1. A button maker


My spring 2016 playground looks just got a major upgrade.

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2. Beautiful family photos

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We tried. My husband, who is actually generally adept at picture-taking and general technology, could not, for this one day only, figure out how to use a camera.

I asked my mom to take some iPhone pictures of Lucy and I and she took a panorama, a video, one that I’m not in, and a time lapse. In one of them, I somehow have a giant Popeye arm and one footless leg.

3. Double conjunctivitis


Lu is starting part-time day care in January so I can spend more time working. She went for a two-hour stint last week to see what it’s all about, and came home with double pink eye for the holidays. (She’s doing much better already, and is more of a trooper than I would be about the 4x daily eyedrops).

4. I wrote my first book

Okay, I’m cheating, but on Christmas eve, while Santa was packing his sleigh with joy from Target, I was putting the finishing touches on a lifelong dream of mine.


I spent the weeks before Christmas working 10 or 12 hours a day on this baby (my mother-in-law came to help with Lucy, my husband watched her on the weekend, my family chipped in). It’s a coloring book for parents, full of sass, barf, poop, and parenting reality in general.


I don’t have an actual book deal, because I’m not remotely famous, or have a hilarious dog whose tongue won’t go back in, or head-spinning natural talent. But I have become quite proficient at drawing feces.


If you want to check it out, it’s available for purchase through my lil’ web store, here.

As a side note, if there’s one thing I learned this year it’s: don’t wait until you have a fucking book deal to write a book. Don’t wait until you’re a business maven to open a store. Don’t wait until your life is perfect to have a baby. Don’t WAIT to do all the things you want to do. Just fucking do them. You can just do them.

All sass, conjunctivitis, and bad photography aside, Christmas was great. This whole year was great. This was the most difficult, the most rewarding, and the craziest year of my life to date. I wouldn’t take back a single second of it. (Except maybe the one where Lucy had a blow out diaper on an airplane.)

Happy whatever holiday you celebrated lately! Happy end of 2015! To all my fellow new parents out there: WE SURVIVED; we are all big, fat, postpartum miracles.



6 thoughts on “Christmas Haul

  1. Nice haul. I am so stoked about this coloring book. I sent your post from a few weeks ago with the mad-eyed TJs lady to my husband and it cracked him up, which is a compliment because often the ladymomblog posts that I find hilarious don’t resonate with him. The book is going to be my new go-to baby shower gift, along with an ugly doll (Deglingos do the trick) and the book K is for Knifeball.

    Liked by 1 person

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