How To Be The Ultimate Perfect Best New Mom Who Has It All Together

There’s a lot of advice out there for new moms, and most of it either sounds exhausting and unattainable or totally contradicts the other advice you read 10 minutes ago that you thought sounded good. So what should you do? Let your baby “cry it out,” or pick them up and squeeze them lovingly every time they cry? Will your baby turn into a hardened criminal because you left them alone in their crib like the abandoned child on that episode of SVU, or will they end up an entitled asshole because you comforted them every time they were sad?

Obviously I want to provide the best of everything for my new baby and family. Here’s what I’ve learned about the most important advice.

1. Cook yourself and your partner a healthy (local, vegan, paleo, low-carb, seasonal, Gwenyth Paltrow approved) dinner every night, for rejuvenation purposes.

a healthy meal

For example, this meal of iceberg lettuce and waffle cheese fries hit all of the important macronutrient groups: protein (cheese), carb (potato, a vegetable!), and fat (blue cheese dressing). A few decorative cubes of ShopRite on-the-vine tomato provide micronutrients like vitamin C and lycopene (a very up-and-coming phytochemical). The fat content in the salad dressing allows the vitamin K in the tomato to be better absorbed (K is a fat-soluble vitamin).

Consult your favorite healthy cookbooks for ideas if you’re not sure what to make 7 days a week.


2. Make your own organic baby food purees.

baby food

It’s best to ask local farmers if you can pay extra to forage their fields for the freshest vegetables and fruits, but shopping at farmers markets is okay, too. Once you bring these earth candies home, carefully wash in filtered water, peel, and bake or boil separately. Combine in sophisticated combinations with global spices to ensure your baby develops an impressive palate. Try a purée of Saigon cinnamon and white beans with mango and cilantro chutney and a baked apple slaw for your favorite 6 month old.

3. Ensure a clean environment at all times.

eating a dirty magazine

Don’t let your baby eat dirty magazines you found on the street that were “still good.” Try not to let your baby eat fistfuls of dog hair several times per day. Hand-wash their organic BPA-free plastic toys with gentle, organic soaps whenever they fall on your freshly mopped environmentally conscious bamboo floors.

4. Try to avoid putting your baby next to weird, potentially deadly, rabid, or ferocious animals.

danger duck

You don’t know where those ducks have been.

5. Don’t let your baby fall asleep wearing dangerous/ potentially suffocating fashion accessories.

deadly fashion

Remove all hazardous materials before rocking your baby gently to sleep in your arms. Loose fabrics are the Genghis Khans of sleeping babies; any accessory can be the murderous leader of a deadly army of knits.

6. Do not leave your screaming baby on a couch covered in dog/cat hair just because you think they look funny and you really want to take a picture.

good times

Your baby should be happy at all times, and it’s not hilarious when they’re upset. Soothe your baby during times of distress, and don’t stop to take a picture of them looking like a freakish, purple, angry chicken nugget to text to your husband with the caption “LOL.”

Every moment is an opportunity to create lasting damage to your new baby’s delicate and impressionable psyche. Please remember that every decision you make based on instinct is probably wrong, as far as I can tell from looking at page 1 of various Google searches. 

Bonus: techniques for deliberate starvation/ unattainable beauty goals 


13 thoughts on “How To Be The Ultimate Perfect Best New Mom Who Has It All Together

  1. Sound advice. We are glamming up dinner time at our house with an array of fancy grilled cheese sandwiches. Some day the little one is going to be the envy of his classmates when he gets to eat nothing but grilled cheese!


  2. Hi there! I read your article on the Pregnant Chicken newsletter, and that led me here. I love your humor and honesty. It’s nice change from the typical mommy blogs. It makes a new mom like myself feel like I’m actually doing ok and to give myself a break sometimes! :) Keep it up, Mama!


  3. The Pregnant Chicken newsletter also brought me here. I’m a new mom too and your writing SPEAKS to me right now. I shared your stuff with my husband since it made me laugh so much. But it’s not just your fantastic humor that I love. The way you describe the emotional journey you’ve been on since having your daughter is great as well. You are able to put into words so many of the same feelings that I’ve been grappling with. Thank you so much for sharing; it really made a difference to me.


  4. I’m so glad I found your blog! This part in particular, “Soothe your baby during times of distress, and don’t stop to take a picture of them looking like a freakish, purple, angry chicken nugget to text to your husband with the caption “LOL.” ”
    Are you me??

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Pingback: Don’t Tell Me I’m Not a Feminist | goosecamp

  6. I found your blog via Pregnant Chicken featuring your ‘Best toys are your garbage’ post. I’ve so far read everyone of your posts down to this one, and have been desperately avoiding waking up my husband because I’m laughing out loud so much! It’s 1am, I’m 39.5 weeks pregnant (I’ve also put 60 pounds on to my previously 110 lb frame, midwives are loving that 😂), and your blog is the best thing I’ve read in ages.. I only wish I could get some sleep after all of your hilarious posts have reminded me how little sleep is in my future… Keep it up! Can’t wait to keep reading about your mom adventures!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Wow, thank you!! That is some high praise. Good luck with that lil nugget! You’ll sleep again sooner than you think :) having a sense of humor about the early baby days was the only thing that saved me. I hope you love poop 👍🏼


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